Money Shame

This is a post on that subject that people have a harder time talking about than sex. But as soon as I started exploring it, I became completely fascinated by how rich and complex it actually is. So I’d like to share with you some of my enormous discoveries here.

When I started working on growing my private practice, I quickly came upon a huge issue:

My relationship with money was tied up with all kinds of internal conflict.

I have been learning an immense amount from the work and writings of Tiffany McLain about money in private practice, but in this blog I want to share some thoughts and feelings about money as a whole. Of course, entire books are written on this subject, and I cannot encompass everything that runs through this issue, but I do want to focus on one important element: shame.

Most people would say they want more money, and it seems so simple. Who wouldn’t be elated if an unexpected $1000 check suddenly showed up in the mail or the boss decided to give you a $10,000 raise in salary? And I am not here to contest that. But those are passive ways of money “showing up”.

What about situations where you are asking for money?

Such as, oh I don’t know – setting a fee for services you offer.

There are certainly people do so without hesitation (and if you are one of them, please share your experience in the comments!). However, many are actually struggling with unconscious shame and conflict around asking for, having, and even wanting money in their lives.

Shame was the last emotion I ever expected to encounter when dealing with money. Discomfort – sure. Feeling unskilled at managing a practice at first? Naturally. And yet, there it was – shame, in all its pervasive, unconscious glory.

No one taught us this stuff in school – not only how to manage money, but about our feelings and attitudes around money, the deep, unconscious stuff. But the minute it was time to set my fee as a therapist – despite the fact that office rent in Manhattan is astronomical, and there are quite a few other overhead expenses to account for – I felt anxious.

Who would pay me my full fee? Would they think I’m a fraud? Would they think I’m too young to charge the fees that older, more seasoned analysts charge? And if those are not enough, here’s a doozy: did I deserve to get paid this much?

Instantly, the question becomes that of self-worth. Many rationalizations and fearful defenses showed up immediately: well, the economy sucks. People want to use their insurance and wouldn’t want to pay out of pocket. I’m too inexperienced to charge that much. I’d be making people uncomfortable and strained by asking for so much money per session. Are there even people who make enough to pay so much? I mean, who makes that much money? I certainly never did…

Bingo.

Those pesky years growing up in poverty or close to it, and all kinds of unconscious feelings, are all at work nonetheless. And the feelings are in multitude – anything from the familiarity with (and thus feeling most comfortable with) the scarcity experience to feeling guilty for doing better than my family did at my age.

And there is a lot in between. For example, as a woman, and in my particular life experience, I have often been the emotional caretaker (as have most therapists I know!). Thus, the familiar stance is to put the needs of others before my own – which accounts for a lot of those rationalizations above. How dare I ask to be taken care of (and money in this case is exactly that!), when my job implies that I’m “supposed to” do otherwise? This is where the shame comes in.

So it is not as simple as it may seem. And while I encountered this issue as a therapist trying to build my private practice, many others encounter it in other realms and professions.

Looking at these feelings and issues is crucially important, and the actual reality comes down to 2 points:

1. Self-care – in order to truly be able to show up and do good work with clients (or whatever your work happens to be), one needs to have her or his needs met well. When it comes to deeply emotional work, this is even more crucial. Sleep, diet, vacations, time with family, and other things need to be in place. And getting paid enough so that one does not need to worry about any of the above expenses (along with all the practical ones like rent, insurance, and so on), is what allows those to be in place. Self-care is not a luxury. 
   

2. Clients’ Experience – Whatever work you do with people, whether it’s therapy, bodywork, consulting, or whatever else, it is an investment on their part. To one person that may be $50 per session, and to someone else it might be $200. But what counts is that if they are truly investing in themselves, they will then truly show up and take the work seriously. Even if you were a millionaire and money were not an issue, the client’s experience of investing in him- or herself is crucial.

I will end this with the below, and I am truly curious in your responses to this post, so please share them in the comments below.

Do whatever you need (Mentors! Therapy!! Podcasts! Books! Blogs!)

to find and get a firm hold on the fact that

you are already amazing.

(Yes, you. And I mean it, really feel it.)

You are not a fraud.

You are not a joke.

You worked hard as hell to get to where you are now.

Deep within you is a knowing that what you do has enormous value.

(Once more, with feeling. Yes, you!)

Live (and work) from that place, and others will see it too – but it has to come from you first. The world needs people like you.

Charge accordingly.